Misadventure with the Marauder's Map
by CHICFelina
Summary: When making the Marauder's Map, Remus forgets a key element to the enchantments. James pays with sexual frustration, a panic attack, dressing in women's clothes and crashing Lily's dorm.


"Guys guys no no no," screamed James in exasperation, throwing his hands into the air. "We have to track everyone in the school, not just the teachers!"  
Remus, always the levelheaded one, sighed and explained for the hundredth time, "Like I've said before, it's going to take exponentially more effort to track everyone who sets foot in Hogwarts than just to track the teachers -"  
"If you need effort, I'll put in the effort," stated James, determinedly tapping his wand against the piece of battered parchment upon which the Marauder's latest project laid. The 4 fifth-years were huddled in their Gryffindor dormitory far past the time of lights out, hunched around the single candle illuminating the soon to be Marauder's map. Sirius was lounged like an overgrown cat, draped around the four poster bed, a stark contrast to James' intense hunched posture right next to him. Peter was sitting on the floor looking up at the charismatic duo currently residing on James' bed, while passively munching a snack, looking to all the world oblivious to James' agitation. It was just another night of excitement and tagging along to whatever hijinks the other 3 got up to for Peter and he reacted as he always would - with munching of snacks and spontaneous, hilariously mistimed rounds of fervent applause.  
Remus, being the only level headed one - and in his opinion, the only civilized one amidst a group of intelligent savages - was perched on his bed directly besides that of James, surrounded by a pile of musty textbooks detailing techniques used for creating the never before seen map. And James? His mind clouded with semi-acknowledged daydreams of meeting Lily Evans for a passionate snog at midnight on the Astronomy Tower uninterrupted by teachers was punctuated with increasingly frantic worries at how to make the map work.  
"Face it Prongs, you only want to include all the people in the school because you want to stalk Evans," Sirius smirked lazily, making his wand rain little snowflakes on James' head. Peter squealed and clapped excitedly at the charm work and although Sirius scoffed, James could tell that he was pleased at the attention.  
"What - no - I -" He sputtered in response while Sirius chortled at his reaction. Clapping a hand onto James' shoulder, Sirius put on a mock paternal tone,

"Don't worry son, we all know you want to shag Evans. It's a natural part of wizard biolo - ow!" He broke off as James, in a fit of pique, gave him a static shock with his wand.

"How about we get back to work?" Remus suggested with a long suffering sigh as he pulled the map over to him, checking over the currently static layout of the school. The hallways were there - check - the 7 secret passageways out of the school - check - classrooms - check - kitchens - check - dormitories - check - school grounds and outdoor facilities - check -

An irritable voice jerked him out of his mental checklist and a hand tugged the parchment away. "Moony, give me the map, I need to Transfigure it to include people."

"Namely Evans - "

"Sirius!" came the indignant reply.

"What? We all know the real reason is so that you can stalk Evans."

"Because that's the only way I'll be able to get close to her!" James wailed, looking utterly devastated. "She won't even give me the time of day! Let alone how her day went!"

The image of snogging Lily Evans uninterrupted at the Astronomy Tower was abruptly shattered by an image of how his reality with her went. A furious green eyed glare shot his way as he attempted another one of his pickup lines, the swish of robes and red hair as she strode away from him, his cheek stinging from when she slapped him after another round with Snivellus (he wasn't going to wash that side of his face again, ever)... James let out a melodramatic sigh - he really was doomed to forever pine away at Evans without her even speaking a civil word to him, was he? He flopped down into the bed, inadvertently squashing Sirius in the process and proceeded to keen mournfully.

Remus grimaced. Ah, young love, how glad he was that he stayed far away from the fervour gripping his peers. Sirius let out a strangled "Ack!" and struggled to free himself. For such a skinny person, James was surprisingly heavy.

"Get ... me... out... Remus..."

"Sorry Padfoot, can't until we enchant the teachers." Remus started tapping his wand against the parchment. Ink began to flow out from his wand and onto the parchment, tiny capillary thin tendrils of scarlet forming blobs, letters and flourishes.

"Help me enchant the Transfiguration department, James." Remus ordered briskly. "Sirius, you go do the Charms and Potions. Peter," Wormtail gave a little start and a squeak from his fangirling at James' and Sirius' proximity to each other. Remus gave him a strange look. "Peter," he repeated, clearing his throat. "Help me transfigure the Arithmancy and Ancient Runes department. Allons-y!"

"When are we going to do the students?" James plaintively whined.

"Hush young apprentice. Soon." Remus was already halfway done the Defense Against the Dark Arts department and gestured for James to pull out his wand and start working. Thus, following Remus's orders and frequent consultations from the textbooks scattered on the bed, the four friends got to work creating what would become the world's first Marauder's Map.

It was dawn when they finally finished. All of Hogwart's teachers, students, custodians, secret passageways and Hogsmeade personnel were moving labelled blobs bobbing around the map and to Remus's thrill of delight, the movement enchantment actually worked. When he got Sirius to test out his animagus form, the Sirius-blob still registered as "Sirius Black" meaning that his identity charm worked as well. Twisting his lip to conceal the wide smile threatening to overtake his face, Remus leaned back, muttering to himself, "I should really get extra-credit for this..."

The first rays of sunlight were peeking out from between the gap in the curtains and it was Saturday morning - very early Saturday morning. It was so easy to just sleep in and drift off after a night of spellcasting... Remus yawned and felt his eyelids droop closed...

"LILY EVANS ISN'T WORKING PROPERLY!"

Remus awoke with an unpleasant jolt.

"By Merlin, did you HAVE to yell so loud?" he hissed, extremely irritable at his sleep being interrupted.

"But - but - she's flickering -"

"Give it to me, she's not, I made sure all the enchantments were perfect -"

"He's right, you know, Moony." piped up Sirius. "She's flickering and all the other dots are perfectly fine."

Remus peered at the Lily-blob. It was true, the scarlet dot was flickering in and out of existence... now how could that be... wasn't Animagi causes, wasn't due to movement... what in Merlin...

"Oh my Merlin, she's dying isn't she?" James seized a handful of his own messy dark hair, glasses askew. He bounded up, standing on the bed. Peter toppled off and fell to the floor still snoozing, chip bag clutched still firmly in his fist. "That's why! She's dying! I got to go save her!"

Without waiting for a reaction, he was gone in a flash from the dorms.

Remus blinked and decided to follow. A sleep deprived, sexually frustrated and hysterical James Potter was bound to cause trouble.

When he and the rest of the Marauders arrived at the common room, the sight that greeted them would have been funny if not for James's very real desperation to reach the love of his life. Remus didn't know whether to laugh or panic alongside with his best friend. Wild hair, lopsided glasses and a storm of gangly limbs clad in pyjamas bellowing "LILY EVANS" at the top of his lungs was attempting - and failing - at scaling the ramp - formerly staircase - to the Gryffindor girls' common room. With each bound up, James came crashing down and sliding to a pathetic heap at the bottom. With each flailing arm attempting to grab one of the handrails, the handrail promptly disappeared where his hand had been, sending James toppling downwards again. Remus, Sirius and Peter could only look dumbstruck.

"Why are you guys still standing there?" snarled James, picking himself up again and charging up the ramp like a bull. "Get me some women's clothes."

"Ex - excuse me?" sputtered Sirius.

"Women's clothes! You heard right!"

"I don't have women's clothes!"

"Hell yes you do, you sod. Those bloomers and the red lace brassiere you wore to Halloween once?"

Sirius turned an alarming shade of tomato and choked on his tongue, while Peter ogled him with newfound wonder. Remus could practically see the fangirling and various 'fantasies' the portly boy was imagining with his favourite ship.

"Go get them!"

Still a constipated red, Sirius rushed from the empty common room into the dorms. Peter peered owlishly at James and asked,

"Sirius has women's clothes?"

Sirius rushed back into the room before James, still huffing and puffing, could muster a reply. In his arms were a pile of frilly clothes which he shoved at James as discretely as possible. Equally as red in the face as Sirius, James proceeded to shove the bloomers over his pyjama bottoms while stripping his shirt off and clumsily latching the brassiere on. Remus bit his fist to stifle a chortle but was instantly sobered when he looked at the map and saw not only was that Lily's blob was still flickering, but that it had also grown paler as if fading away.

James must have caught his look of worry for his lips pursed again and he made one more heroic dash up the now reformed staircase. For a few steps, the staircase remained stationary and James let out a triumphant yell only for it to turn into a strangled groan as the ramp once again returned and he landed in a flurry of frills, red lace and defeat. Suddenly his face lit up and with a flick of his wand (James was getting quite good at nonverbal magic), his broomstick came zooming into the room, hovering right next to him like a loyal pet. Mounting the broomstick, James zoomed up the staircase before any of the other Marauders could react. There was a crash and a not-quite-girly scream followed by a more feminine shriek and frantic apologies on James's part due to crashing the wrong room. Remus ran a hand through his hair. At this rate, he was going to get gray hairs. The Lily-blob was still flickering dangerously.

After apologizing profusely to the first year girl who was still shrieking at him and calling him all sorts of Muggle insults - what was the word "pedophile" anyways? - James hastily retreated from the room. Letting his "Lily-sense" guide him, James guessed the room at the direct end of the hall was that of his beloved Evans. Steeling his nerve, he flew right into the door, crashing it open and landing in a sprawled heap on the floor.

Looking around, Lily's bed (he could tell from the hairbrush filled with those lovely auburn locks resting on the bedside table) was empty. Full-out panicking and knowing that she was in the room, he strode over to her bed and threw open the covers all the while bellowing her name and searching for where she could be. Dear Merlin, she couldn't be dead could she? Could someone have just "Evanesco"-ed her? What was he going to do?

Suddenly his hand brushed across something distinctly not bed covers. Yet there was nothing there. He poked at the strange object and was rewarded with a yelp. Utterly confused, he stared at the space and tried to puzzle out what was happening.

"Lily?" he asked dumbly.

"Yes it's me now will you stop poking my stomach." came the irritable reply. It was undoubtedly Lily's voice.

"You're... alive."

"Gee thank you James Potter. Now I really don't need any more confirmation of your IQ."

"You were dead!"

"... that's not helping."

"You're invisible."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"I couldn't see you on -"

"... why are you wearing a red bra and bloomers."

"... oh...uh... long story..."

"Okay tell me later. Right now, cover your eyes. I'm taking off the disillusionment charm and I'm not decent yet."

"The disillusionment charm!" Now James understood - Remus had forgotten to cover the bases with disillusionment charms. Obediently he covered his eyes although the teenage male in him wanted desperately to peek. No, he told himself sternly, this is Lily, the love of my life. I will not peek.

With a sound almost like an egg cracking, Lily lifted the charm and from the rustle of clothes that he heard, James knew she was getting dressed. He tried desperately to block the oncoming images that flooded his mind of Lily slipping on clothes.

"Alright done."

Hesitantly, he lifted his hands. Standing before him was Lily Evans in all her irritable glory, clad in a pair of fluffy bunny patterned pyjamas. Those pyjamas were really cute on her, he thought absentmindedly, maybe he could get her something similar or more racy for Christmas...

"Now what the hell were you doing in my room? And why are you wearing a bra and bloomers?"

James gulped. This was going to take a lot of explaining. And Remus was going to do a lot of fixing.


End file.
